As you saw in the illustration, Sharon could make a lot more sense of JoeBob’s sentences—“You won’t be able to steer when you put on the brakes”—than those of her recall letter—“Its failure could affect vehicle directional control, particularly during heavy brake application.” That’s because JoeBob’s sentences tell stories about people doing things. Clear writing takes advantage of the fact that people speak, write, and think in stories.
Let’s look at two versions of Sharon’s recall letter, the original and a revision in which each sentence sounds more like a story.
As you read each version of the letter, look at the structure of each sentence:
A) A defect which involves the possible failure of a frame-support plate may exist on your vehicle. This plate (front suspension pivot bar support plate) connects a portion of the front suspension to the vehicle frame, and its failure could affect vehicle directional control, particularly during heavy brake application. In addition, your vehicle may require adjustment service to the hood secondary-catch system. The secondary catch may be misaligned so that the hood may not be adequately restrained to prevent hood fly-up in the event the primary catch is inadvertently left unengaged. Sudden hood fly-up beyond the secondary catch while driving could impair driver visibility. In certain circumstances, occurrence of either of the above conditions could result in vehicle crash without prior warning.
B) Your car may have a defect that would cause a plate that supports its frame to fail. This plate (front suspension pivot bar support plate) connects a portion of the front suspension to the vehicle frame. If it fails, you won’t be able to steer, particularly if you put on the brakes. In addition, we may have to fix the secondary catch for the hood, because we may have misaligned it. If you inadvertently fail to engage the primary latch, the secondary catch won’t prevent your hood from flying up. If your hood flies up while you are driving, you won’t be able to see the road. If you can’t steer because the plate has failed or if you can’t see because your hood has flown up, you could crash, and your car will not warn you in advance of these defects.
If you want help to see how version (B) tells a clearer story, click here.
B) Your car may have a defect that would cause a plate that supports its frame to fail. This plate (front suspension pivot bar support plate) connects a portion of the front suspension to the vehicle frame. If it fails, you won’t be able to steer, particularly if you put on the brakes. In addition, we may have to fix the secondary catch for the hood, because we may have misaligned it. If you inadvertently fail to engage the primary latch, the secondary catch won’t prevent your hood from flying up. If your hood flies up while you are driving, you won’t be able to see the road. If you can’t steer because the plate has failed or if you can’t see because your hood has flown up, you could crash, and your car will not warn you in advance of these defects.
Click here to see what most readers think.
Most readers understand (B) more easily because it clearly states what happens in this story: parts have been misaligned; parts might fail; if a part fails, you won’t be able to see; if you can’t see, you might crash. In (A), those events are hidden in abstract phrases: “possible failure of a frame-support plate”; “its failure could affect vehicle directional control”; “[s]udden hood fly-up . . . could impair driver visibility”; either condition “could result in vehicle crash.” We all understand a passage more easily when its sentences are built around people, objects, or even ideas doing things.
It’s not just consumers who want writing that tells them a clear story. Readers of academic and professional writing expect stories, too, even in documents about abstract concepts that at first don’t seem to have a story. Unclear writing hides the real people, things, ideas, events, and consequences that most matter to us.
As you read each version of the letter, look at the structure of each sentence:
A) Two major atrocities of this nation from the past are slavery and the Jim Crow era. Resulting from these errors are various methods from the government to suppress deeply rooted patterns of poverty and social disparities that disadvantage African-Americans. Actions such as affirmative action, welfare, and educational reform have been put in place by the government to help remedy past sins, but, in the minds of some, monetary reparations paid to African-Americans are the only remedy that will truly atone for the past atrocities and present disparities. Reparations may be a noble goal but they should not be an idea when considering the future of a nation that hopes to become truly equal. The endless cycle of compensations, the divisiveness of dwelling on the past, and the dubiousness of imposing reparations on the non-guilty are some reasons why the nation must move forward differently instead of dwelling on the past.
B) African-Americans still suffer from the consequences of slavery and the Jim Crow era. On average, African-Americans face more poverty than white people, and their social status remains comparatively low. The government has tried to correct the sins of the past with programs such as affirmative action, welfare, and education reform. But the disparities remain. Some argue that the government should pay reparations to African-Americans as compensation for the atrocities of the past and the social disparities of the present. Those who propose reparations have noble goals, but the idea creates more practical problems than it solves. The people of the present are not guilty of the sins of their fathers and cannot fix the past through monetary compensation. The government should continue to enact other kinds of programs to help African-Americans, but reparations are not the answer.
If you want help to see how version (B) tells a clearer story, click here.
B) African-Americans still suffer from the consequences of slavery and the Jim Crow era. On average, African-Americans face more poverty than white people, and their social status remains comparatively low. The government has tried to correct the sins of the past with programs such as affirmative action, welfare, and education reform. But the disparities remain. Some argue that the government should pay reparations to African-Americans as compensation for the atrocities of the past and the social disparities of the present. Those who propose reparations have noble goals, but the idea creates more practical problems than it solves. The people of the present are not guilty of the sins of their fathers and cannot fix the past through monetary compensation. The government should continue to enact other kinds of programs to help African-Americans, but reparations are not the answer.
Click here to see what most readers think.
Most readers think example (B) establishes the writer’s ideas more clearly because it tells a story about African-Americans, governmental programs, and the things that they’ve done. Example (A) covers similar ideas, but it hides what did or should happen in dense, abstract phrases: “[r]esulting from these errors are various methods”; “monetary reparations paid to African-Americans are the only remedy”; “the endless cycle of compensations”; “the divisiveness of dwelling on the past”; “and the dubiousness of imposing reparations on the non-guilty are some reasons.” Readers have to work hard to untangle complicated phrases like these to figure out what happens in them. Since you cannot expect your readers to work that hard, make your writing clear by making each sentence a story about what some person, object, or idea does.
